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That's a HOLY Ghost to you, Mister!
20 February 2015 @ 10:26 pm
I am incredibly irritable right now. I know a lot of it is female-related, and that I spent all day, minus a dump and grocery store trip, cooped up in the apartment with Justin while he's in the middle of an angry, depressive episode. I can tell it's intense, and that kind of energy just permeates the apartment, even when he's in the bedroom with the door shut. I'm also irritated because his doctor's office won't get back to him about his medication issue. He's trying to get better, but there's always roadblocks.

I don't want to be irritable right now, though, because Brandon Flowers updated his website to just a video of his hand playing the keyboard part to a new song, and that made me laugh joyously. Ok, now that I've talked about that I feel better. lol
 
 
That's a HOLY Ghost to you, Mister!
07 November 2014 @ 08:58 pm
I completely broke down the other day when I saw that all of the comments a friend of mine had left on my old journal were deleted because he deleted his journal. I cried for at least an hour. It was a moment of grief that I'd been running away from for seven years. God, I miss my friend. He did some fucked up things, but he was still my best friend and I loved him very much. I still love him, that's never going to change. I realize that once you truly love someone, it never goes away. It's not like Joe or Kim. Feelings for them are long gone. But I've accepted that I am going to love G for the rest of my life. I'll just allow myself to feel the grief when it comes up until it becomes easier and easier. I'm actually glad that I can feel this much for people. It almost makes feeling the emotion of grief an enjoyable experience, but that probably doesn't make sense to most people.

So, I'm dealing with that while I'm also seriously contemplating changing my major from physics back to philosophy. Most professors at the four-year university level are horrible at actually teaching, so everything is so much harder than it was at Lord Fairfax. The stress of this semester has actually made me the sickest I've been in a long time, maybe ever. I'm not enjoying what I'm learning about, except for relativity. That was a great class. Anyway, the plan for next semester is to cut back to 2 classes so I can heal from this serious exacerbation that's been triggered by stress and lack of rest. I'm taking one class in astronomy (that goes with my physics with emphasis in astronomy major), and one philosophy class. I'll see how I feel at the end of the spring semester and decide from there which direction I want to go in. And what's great is the philosophy class is online, so I only have to commute to one class twice a week.

I can't shake the sense that I'm supposed to be studying physics, but whats causing that is probably a delusion. But it might be real. It's horrible. I'm actually really confused and I don't know what to do. I feel kind of lost and abandoned, but I know that's not true. I need to be still and listen to my inner voice, and do what's truly going to make me happy and bring me peace.
 
 
That's a HOLY Ghost to you, Mister!
30 September 2014 @ 10:09 pm
I am starting to sink into a depression again, and it really feels like I just got out of one. I know it's situational this time, though, and not just a malfunction in brain chemicals. I'm having a really hard time in two of my classes at GMU and it's making me question my choice of major. Or it could be that I'm needing to adjust to a new college and it's just going to take some time. But I'm not happy if I'm not succeeding academically so I guess the real question is, do I opt for an easier major to maintain emotional balance? Or keep pushing through a major in which my lack of success is causing my heart to just not be in it? I don't know. Right now part of me wants to quit altogether, but that's just not possible at this time.

And then there's my family. I've always felt different from the rest of my family, but right now they're making me feel like I'm not even a valued member of the family. I feel this horrible resentment from my parents because things aren't going well for them, but Justin and I are moving in a positive direction. That's actually incredibly messed up to think about, but it's true. They both resent the fact that Justin got approved for disability so quickly and my mom hasn't been approved yet (probably for good reason, but that's an entirely different can of worms that I'm just not going to get into right now). But come one, Justin has schizophrenia and most days he can't even leave the house, let alone work. But they don't understand that because it's not an illness they can see. Whatever, I'm sick of my family acting like white trash when they used to not be this way. It's shameful and hurtful and Justin and I don't deserve it. And my brother and sister seem to have forgotten I exist, just like any friends I used to have, so that's of course making this feeling worse.

And on to the friends issue. I feel like everyone hates me, or at least I get on their nerves, and no one actually values me at all. That I'm just nothing to everyone. Yeah, pretty sure that's depression.
 
 
That's a HOLY Ghost to you, Mister!
30 August 2014 @ 01:23 pm
I am a raging ball of anxiety right now, and I have no idea why. Everything is fine. Things are going great, actually. I made it through my first week of actual college and I've already made a study buddy, possibly two. And I didn't even have to initiate it. He's the one who suggested we keep in touch and study together since we're in literally all the same classes. He's the same guy that I met at orientation, so I'm really glad he actually wants to be my friend. Of course I have to sometimes suppress waves of paranoia related to post-traumatic stress, but that will pass, I'm sure. (Weird how you can forgive someone and move on, but the PTSD remains.)

I do have the fear that if people spend time with me they'll realize they don't like me and never want to talk to me again. But that's because it's been drilled into my head from a very early age that I am inherently unlikable and unattractive. That's why I'm always suspicious of people's motives if they want to be my friend. That's terrible, I know. I need to work on it.
So I guess this means I actually do know why I'm anxious. I'm afraid that my apparently abnormal personality is going to ruin a potential friendship. That solves that mystery.

So now an unrelated thing that's bugging me...why does Brandon Flowers make me so damned nervous??
 
 
That's a HOLY Ghost to you, Mister!
12 August 2014 @ 09:31 pm
Another angel who couldn't take another moment in this world. It is so hard to be here when you truly care for every soul you encounter, and you can see in his eyes that he did. There have been so many times when I've wanted to do exactly what he did, but something always stops me. Because we're needed here, desperately, and we have to stick together, keep each other strong. I'm so sad that he's gone, because his light shined so brightly and gave so many so much joy.

RIP Robin. <3
 
 
 
That's a HOLY Ghost to you, Mister!
10 August 2014 @ 06:11 pm
I can't stop thinking about my old friend. This is really bad. I'm sitting here, too sick to do anything today, with my heart heavy as I think about everything that went wrong at the end of our friendship. And I have no way of talking to him. I just wish I could contact him and tell him that I'd like to give our friendship another try. But I can't, so I'll just sit here, stuck.

He was the best friend I ever had. I just wanted the truth.
 
 
That's a HOLY Ghost to you, Mister!
03 August 2014 @ 05:39 pm
Good lord Justin and he who must not be named are a lot alike. Maybe it has something to do with their birthdays only being 7 days apart. But their personalities and interests are eerily similar, I'm realizing. Just had to blurt that out. I've known this for a while, but I'm realizing they are more similar than I originally thought.

I gotta stop listening to this song.
 
 
Current Music: Action Cat~Gerard Way
 
 
That's a HOLY Ghost to you, Mister!
01 August 2014 @ 06:45 pm
I took a nap this afternoon and I had a dream. And he was in the dream. I haven't had a dream with him in it since we were friends, probably since 2006. And in all of those dreams I was never able to talk to him, only look at him, see him driving up my street, in a crowd at my job, etc. In this dream we were riding in a car together and stopped at a diner to talk. I woke up kind of stunned and disoriented.

I don't know what this means, but I know he's been on my mind a lot for the past week or so. And I know that Justin hates him and we could never be friends. :(
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Over You~Echo & the Bunnymen
 
 
That's a HOLY Ghost to you, Mister!
28 July 2014 @ 03:51 pm
I can't handle stress. I really can't, it's a legitimate medical problem with this stupid disease. I also can't handle the fact that I have to deal with all stress completely by myself because my partner is (actually, I'm not being insulting here) bipolar and schizophrenic and is also developing MS, too, so he can't handle stress. How are we going to live the rest of our lives when something as normal as our car breaking down has us both literally contemplating suicide?

Granted, we live in an area where you absolutely HAVE to have a car. This is no city where you can walk to a grocery store to get some food. God, I can't get into this, I'm going to wind up losing it.
 
 
That's a HOLY Ghost to you, Mister!
25 July 2014 @ 08:40 pm
I am so bored. I don't know what to do with myself. I really miss when I wasn't too sick to work a regular job. I know school will be starting in a month and then I will be anything but bored, but right now I'm going crazy. I am getting a lot of my HAED cross stitch that's going to take a million years done, though, relatively speaking.

I really should be brushing up on my calculus skills because I'm really going to need them with next semester's course load, but I haven't been able to push myself into it. I should also work on getting good at clarinet again since I have people that really want me to play with them, but I haven't had the urge to do that, either. It's not that I'm depressed, it's just that I don't seem to have any drive or passion right now, which has to mean something isn't right in my life. I need to figure out what so I can feel some joy and excitement again. Maybe I need to kick some spiritual ass.